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Q:Our 3-year-old daughter has a bad habit of making a complete mess of her room whenever we confine her there for misbehavior. She has very few accessible toys, but will take shoes out of the closet, books off the shelf, and clothes out of her chest of drawers, and throw them all over the place. When she’s finished, it looks as if a tornado blew through. She isn’t throwing a tantrum, mind you. She’s just passing the time by making a creative mess. Is she too young to be told that she can’t come out of there until everything is picked up and put back where it belongs? Should I give her a time limit? Or is there a better way of dealing with this?
A:This ransacking sure sounds like a form of tantrum to me. I have to believe that although she isn’t screaming, that she has discovered a way of protesting her confinement, one that obviously makes you upset. You punish her and she retaliates by punishing you. Isn’t she clever? Your daughter is most definitely not too young to be told that she can’t come out of her room until every single item is picked up and put back where it belongs. To make this less overwhelming, remove at least two-thirds of what is currently in her room. Remove all the books and toys and most of her shoes and clothing. In other words, make it easier for her to perform the task. From that point on, when you put her in her room, set a timer for fifteen minutes, set it outside her door, and tell her she can come out when the bell rings. Add, “While you’re in here, you can throw everything all around if you want to, but you can’t come out until everything is picked up.”
When she’s picking up the one-third, put more of her stuff back in there. When she’s picking up that amount, add in some more and so on until her room is completely restored. By that time, these very quiet but nonetheless rebellious tantrums should have stopped.
Q. How do we get our children out of our bed?”
A. Easy. You tell them that Doctor Van Meanie has said that tonight is the last night the children can sleep with you. “So,” you say, “let’s have as much fun as we can! How about a pillow fight!” And then, tomorrow night, remind them of the good doctor’s orders, tuck them in their own beds, kiss them goodnight, tell them that it’s fine with you if they feel the need to scream and cry for a while, lock your door and take a second honeymoon.
John Rosemond is America’s most widely-read parenting authority. He is a best-selling author, columnist, speaker and family psychologist. More information at rosemond.com
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